Hanamichi
by HayashiOkami
Summary: Yasuharu is reincarnated as a ghoul. He didn't mean to fall in love with Kagetsu, his best friend from one hundred years ago, who is now a ghoul investigator. [OC cast, slash (M/M)]
1. Chapter 1

_**Title:** Hanamichi_

 _ **Genre:** Romance/Tragedy_

 _ **Warnings:** OC cast, slash (M/M), mentions of sex, violence, character death, prejudice and discrimination against the burakumin, also a reincarnation fic_

 _ **Summary:** Yasuharu is reincarnated as a ghoul. He didn't mean to fall in love with his best friend from one hundred years ago, Kagetsu, who is now a ghoul investigator._

 _Theirs is a relationship that spans over a century and they know it cannot last. But, until the curtains fall, they will gladly dance upon this stage called destiny._

 _ **Notes:** So I wrote a sequel to an obscenely complicated multi-chapter story that I haven't even written yet *sob*. _

_All you need to know is that a whole bunch of these characters were around during the Bakumatsu/Edo era and were reincarnated in the modern day TG timeline. And ghouls were just considered a type of yokai back then and there are reasons why they didn't just kill off all the humans when they didn't have quinques, ok. If I wasn't so backwards this would have been revealed in the multi-chapter story first but this is what you get first so._

 _Also, the last chapter contains the footnotes for this story, as there are a lot of them. This entire thing is complete._

* * *

This is the first time Yasuharu has listened to a human's heartbeat without wanting to take a bite.

The warm, vaguely sweet scent of the man next to him floods his senses until he feels light-headed and a permanently silly smile is plastered across his face. Fingers tipped with thick callouses crawl down his back, but Yasuharu merely shivers in pleasure like a contented cat.

When he opens his eyes and sees that this happy dream is not a dream after all, he can only sigh in contentment. Years of raw desperation, terror, anger, and longing escape through every breath he takes.

It has been one hundred years since he last saw this man. It has been even longer since he last saw him this young, hair still dark and his face without wrinkles so deep as to make him look like the crags of a mountainside.

His skin is darker, his eyes are dimmer, but Yasuharu is sure that much has changed about himself as well, this nearly impenetrable body besides.

Yasuharu presses a hand against his own arm and grips it until the skin turns red, until he is certain a bruise will be left there in the morning. It takes an inordinate amount of force, enough to crush a block of concrete between his fingers, but before he can reach the pinnacle of pain he wants to inflict upon himself, a hand stops him.

"What are you trying to do, Yasuharu?" He likes how his name rolls off the other's tongue, shivers at the number of memories embedded in his head of this man saying it.

He hasn't stopped squeezing his own arm, but the naked human man beside him can do nothing to make him ease up, and Yasuharu finds this to be the only benefit to having the body of an oni[1].

The man instead grasps his head between calloused fingers and directs Yasuharu's half-lidded eyes hazy with the last vestiges of lust towards himself. He says nothing, but Yasuharu's lips move on their own.

"How can you stand to touch me, Kagetsu?" He whispers the words so softly it is almost as if he doesn't want anyone to hear him. He barely moves his lips yet disgust still crawls up his throat. Once, he would have hated to speak such pitiful words. Once. "My body, and even my very existence, is filled with nothing but defilement. Do you understand? No purification ritual[2] can save me."

Kagetsu is not silent, but he says nothing for a long time. Instead he hums an old, forgotten tune. A song from the old capital to the south, lost to the tides of history.

Kagetsu runs rough thumbs beneath Yasuharu's eyes and over his lips. Not in a perverted manner, just to feel his skin. A shine of something - curiosity perhaps - makes him trace every contour of his body.

As if he doesn't care about the _kegare_ that will leech from Yasuharu's skin to his own. He watches Kagetsu's every move, notes every twitch in his expression, but finds nothing incriminating.

"You once told me that to live is to do so at the expense of others."

" _Kagetsu_."

"To me, you are still the same Shozo[3] who took the blame for breaking that expensive tea set when it was my fault that it broke in the first place. You're the same Shozo I chose to follow into this era, the man I would gladly give my own life for."

"But I'm not even human anymore," Yasuharu whispers weakly. His breath brushes against Kagetsu's neck and collarbone and he can hear the man's blood pump through his veins. Sinking further into the arms wrapped loosely around his torso, Yasuharu closes his eyes as if he can pretend it is still the time period they were originally born into.

"Before...before I saw you again..." Kagetsu says hesitantly, the first words of uncertainty Yasuharu has heard from him since they have been reunited in the modern era. "I, you know, really hated ghouls. I thought it would be better if they all died, even after I remembered you and Shintaro and everyone else."

Yasuharu cannot help but stiffen at the confession because Shintaro, no matter what he is now, was a ghoul back then. Everyone knew the truth to some degree because it was hard to hide a demon amongst men, just as Yasuharu finds it exceedingly hard to walk the streets of Tokyo now.

"But when I saw you again, I realized, 'Ah, this is the same Sho-chan I grew up with after all.' Well I say that, but you've changed a bit," Kagetsu says with a small laugh that barely counts as one.

At some point, Yasuharu has stopped squeezing his own arm. As they speak, Kagetsu gently removes his hand and presses it against his bare chest, right over his human heart.

Yasuharu flinches and reclaims his limb, frowning at the small smile on Kagetsu's lips. The thrum of blood beneath his fingers, even if only for a second, probably made his eyes flash red. He closes them tightly, thinking that even if Kagetsu kills him here and now, he won't have any regrets.

But Kagetsu merely continues talking, ignoring how close he has placed himself next to death.

"The Yasuharu I used to know had a lot of pride. More than he knew what to do with, in fact. But now, you're...now you're more fragile. It surprised me."

Fragile is the last word anyone would apply to ghouls. Yasuharu stares at his old friend dubiously. He cannot deny the first part - he was once proud of what he had accomplished, but that was before one hundred years had passed.

"What about me is fragile?" he wonders. He phrases it lightly, trying to sound as if he could live without hearing the answer, but of course he wants to know so badly he almost sits up so that Kagetsu can know he wants to talk properly.

But Yasuharu does not sit up. He will not be the first to ruin the illusion of peace they have in this dingy hotel room.

Kagetsu hums in consideration, running a finger along Yasuharu's jawline, smiling faintly when he leans into the touch. He selects his words as carefully as he did in their past life, but that familiar accent of his is gone. Just another thing that has been lost to time, Yasuharu supposes.

"You look like you're about to cry, all the time," Kagetsu remarks.

Yasuharu reaches out and shoves his friend's shoulder, careful not to use all of his strength, just enough to push the other man flat on his back.

For almost no reason at all, the two break into quiet laughter. This position they find themselves in is so unreal they cannot help but do so.

Then Yasuharu does something he would never have done one hundred years ago. He gets up and crawls over to Kagetsu until he is straddling the other man's waist.

His back is wide open, but it isn't the exposure that sends shivers down his spine. He has a kagune in this life, after all.

"Your face is red," Kagetsu remarks, which makes him wish he had something to hide his face in, but he doesn't and so he just perches on his old friend's stomach, fingertips brushing against his chest.

When Yasuharu leans down to to kiss him, he silently thinks to himself that he wants this dream to last forever.

* * *

The term "defilement" or " _kegare_ " will reoccur throughout this fic, so I'll explain it here. Kegare literally means uncleanliness or defilement and is a Shinto term referring to taint acquired from anything having to do with death, disease, or even childbirth. It has a broader scope than the concept of sin, and it can "taint" you even if you didn't actually commit a crime. The burakumin are a group of outcasts in Japanese society, discriminated against because historically they dealt with jobs having to do with kegare such as butchers, morticians, etc.


	2. Chapter 2

They meet every few weeks, sometimes more often, sometimes less if Kagetsu has to put in overtime at work.

Kagetsu jokingly asks, "Can't you tell those other ghouls to calm down for a bit? It's been really crazy out there, you know?"

Because Kagetsu is still human in this life, a human who works for the CCG, which might as well be the new police force of this era. And Yasuharu is a ghoul who whispers about how he wishes he had died over a hundred years ago, and he continues pretending to be human because now he has someone to live for who likes to see him smile and cry and laugh.

They usually meet in a number of dingy hotels where no one asks who you are when you walk in the door, only that you keep the volume down so the neighbors don't call the police, and clean up after the blood and other things when you're done.

One day, Kagetsu asks for more. They are sweaty and Yasuharu is laying flat on his stomach, allowing Kagetsu to probe at the taut skin right beneath his shoulder blades. The sensation is neither pleasant nor unpleasant; just odd, he tells his friend.

"I don't really understand how it works, even now. Kagune can get fairly big, so where does it all go when you're not using it?"

"As if I know. Yokai don't have to follow the laws of science."

Yasuharu shrugs his friend's touch off and rolls onto his back, ignore the vague itch his ministrations have left behind. He has never had anyone touch the area around his kakuho, not even the parents he had in this life.

Had, because it seems they are destined to lose everyone around them at the same point in life when they lost them a hundred years ago. This is why Yasuharu never bothered to look for the others, once he remembered who he used to be. It's one reason, anyway.

Kagetsu plays with his hair next, still humming the songs he cannot sing anywhere else in this whole country.

"Yasu, want to go somewhere next time?" Kagetsu chimes.

"Huh?"

"It's not like I'm married and have to hide you from my wife."

"No, but don't you think our situation is much worse than a little adultery?" Yasuharu frowns, rolling onto his side and frowning at Kagetsu. In this life his friend actually has more muscle than himself, and it feels strange sometimes when he lines up their bodies and notices how thin he is in comparison.

"I don't like hiding."

That, Yasuharu understands, even if he cannot agree about going out for a date.

"No, you never did. Must be that samurai pride."

Kagetsu laughs. It's not a melodic laugh, despite his name, which sounds like the words out of an old poem.

"How do you write your name?" Yasuharu asks suddenly. "It used to be with the characters for 'splendid' and 'moon'[1]."

Kagetsu blinks, brown eyes shining despite the dim lighting. "Still is, thankfully. You never answered my question."

Yasuharu bites his lip. "Is there a reason you want to show me off?"

Not that he has never been through his fair share of dangerous, life-threatening situations. As a ghoul in this life, he's gone through plenty already.

But he knows that his friend is not one to do something for the sake of doing it, despite how frivolous he once acted.

Kagetsu sighs and this is never a good sign, so Yasuharu sits up and listens.

"My coworkers are wondering where I go all the time. We generally go out for drinks a few times a week, but I haven't been coming along. It's just, you know how it is, they're a paranoid bunch so I didn't really want to introduce you to them..."

The strain in Kagetsu's voice is miniscule. It sounds as cheerful as ever, but Yasuharu has heard Kagetsu at his worst. He has heard his friend's voice shatter into a million fragments when his world came crashing down around him. When half of his family was dead, the other half still fighting on opposite sides of that bitter war.

So Yasuharu does the only sensible thing a ghoul with a human lover can do.

He nods and asks if Kagetsu wants to go to a tiny cafe near the CCG branch office in this ward.

"But, I thought ghouls don't eat normal food...Shintaro never did."

"Ghouls can't eat normal food at all, but we can pretend. Shintaro just never bothered."

In hindsight, Yasuharu understands all that made Shintaro reticent, a trait everyone hated and loved him for, and this is just one more thing about the past that makes Yasuharu squeeze his eyes shut and wish he could do over.

The date, time, and place is set and instead of sliding their bodies together tonight, they simply talk about the past.

"Remember the sweets we ate at the New Year's festival?" Yasuharu says, his voice the highest it has been since he was a child and his parents were still around. He has two sets of memories, one which remembers the sweet taste of sugar blossom in his mouth and another which remembers his parents feeding him the rich flavor of a young human being.

"Oh yeah, you ate so much daifuku[2] you got sick!"

Yasuharu sighs in longing. "I wish I could eat them again! I remember what they taste like, but nothing tastes good to this body except for well, you know."

It's always a harsh reminder that although they have been reunited across time in this modern era for whatever reason, they are still a world away from each other.

Kagetsu leans over and gives him a wet kiss on the mouth, smiling when he sputters and backs away.

"Don't kiss me when I'm in the middle of talking!"

"Don't you ever want to eat me?"

The question comes so abruptly Yasuharu has to pause to make sure he has heard the right words. But his ears do not deceive him and his friend has a smile plastered across his face.

He knows this smile. It is the smile of the boy who was raised in a proper samurai family, one who always knew which polite words and phrases to use, who never knew if his relatives would try to poison him or his siblings.

Yasuharu reaches his arms out, but does not hug his friend just yet. He lets his arms hover there as he shakes his head. It looks silly, but he knows this person in front of him.

"You are my dearest friend. I would sooner die than hurt you."

Kagetsu is slow in his approach, but eventually he lets Yasuharu wrap his arms around him.

Nothing is right about this situation. But it might be okay, for once, for nothing to be right about their world.

"So I'm just a very dear friend?" Kagetsu teases, voice muffled by Yasuharu's shoulder.

He laughs and releases his friend. "I guess not, anymore."

"If we knew that we'd sleep with each other in the future, the old us would have been horrified."

Yasuharu nods. "Ironically. It's this era that would have a problem with the - the, well. Age difference. Gender. Never mind the most obvious of them all...[3]"

"Yeah," Kagetsu agrees until he stops abruptly, eyes going wide.

"What?" Yasuharu checks over his shoulder just to make sure, but nothing is there. All he can smell in the air is stale air freshener and sex - not from them, but from the dozens of others who have used this room recently.

"Age...?"

"Yeah? I'm seventeen. You're what, twenty something?"

Kagetsu doesn't speak for a while, but Yasuharu can see him screaming internally. When his friend does recover, all he can do is quietly, carefully control his voice.

"You're seventeen...?"

"Yes...we used to be the same age, but I guess some things change and-"

"Seventeen!?"

"Why are you so concerned? It's not illegal," Yasuharu shoots back, frowning. He looks down at his own skinny body, which looks no different from a normal human. A monster wearing a human skin, indeed. "I just turned seventeen about two months ago. I don't really remember my...hey, Kagetsu? Kagetsu, don't you dare pass out on me! Exactly how old are you?"

"...Twenty-three..."

Yasuharu laughs. It must be a good sign that age is the only thing he's worried about.


	3. Chapter 3

They meet at a small cafe this time.

Yasuharu can see that Kagetsu is more nervous than himself. His friend - boyfriend now, perhaps - sits at a table fumbling with the napkin and poking at his soundless phone.

He doesn't sip nervously at his glass of water like most people would and Yasuharu wonders how many of his friends know the reason why, or if they even notice. It makes him ridiculously happy to know the reason why, even if it is a reason that carries behind it more grief than joy.

But this is the present, not a story from over a hundred years ago. So Yasuharu walks over and sits, immediately placing in the middle of the table a neat little light orange box with a tiny swirl pattern printed on it.

"Yasuharu! What's this?" Kagetsu chimes, leaning forward. His eyes shine as they focus on the gift, but he makes no move to grasp it until Yasuharu pushes it forward insistently.

"Just open it. I felt a bit weird not bringing anything. And we talked about those sweets we ate at the festival when we were kids, right?"

Kagetsu lifts the lid off a bit too quickly, but this isn't an era in which he has to worry so much about hiding his eagerness. When he opens it, he smiles an honest smile that Yasuharu hasn't seen in so, so long.

"It's namagashi[1]!" Kagetsu exclaims softly, lifting the contents out and placing them on an empty plate. "I haven't had one in ages!"

The namagashi are small, but glisten under the bright lighting in the cafe. They are light pink to match the cherry blossoms still blooming around this time of the year, and each one looks a little different. One looks like a peach, another like a persimmon, and another like a plum blossom.

Yasuharu does not blush like a schoolgirl who has prepared a homemade bento for her boyfriend. He simply smiles and urges him to try one.

It has been years since he's prepared food for Kagetsu. Back when he was still little more than a servant, he used to bring the spoiled rich boy he shared a room with his dinner, while Yasuharu had to eat in the kitchen. Except for maybe the first few weeks, it wasn't a job he really minded.

It felt nice to handle food - human food - again. He ignored the somewhat foul smell everything gave off the whole time he was making it, urging his brain to reach into his memories and recall what everything is supposed to taste like.

He only ate these particular namagashi once, during the New Year's festival. The first one he was ever able to attend.

Kagetsu cuts into one with a fork, and the soft food yields to the metal, opening up to reveal the dark bean paste inside, and probably the best part of the whole thing is the face Kagetsu makes when he eats it.

"How is it?" Yasuharu says before he even has a chance to swallow. It isn't like he ever cooked, even back then, so he leans forward eagerly, half worried and half pleased just by the fact that Kagetsu ate it.

"It's delicious! I can't believe you remembered what it tastes like!" Kagetsu says just one tone too loudly. They both look around the cafe and smile awkwardly, returning to the subject at hand with vaguely bowed heads.

But everyone in the cafe understands, to some degree. Food isn't only for sustenance.

Just, in this age, it also proves that you aren't a ghoul. As far as normal people are aware of, anyways. Yasuharu puts this to the test by reaching out and taking one quarter of the light pink mound of mochi.

He slides it into his mouth, silently gagging, but if he concentrates hard enough he can remember how he felt when he first had this food, a long time ago.

It was so sweet that his teeth hurt, but the flavor was so rich that he couldn't even speak for a few seconds. The outer skin is soft and yielding and a good red bean paste almost melts on your tongue.

"The red bean paste is a little too sweet," Kagetsu says critically, but Yasuharu knows he is only trying to keep up appearances - and help him gauge how to react. "But it really takes me back. Thank you for the gift, Yasu. Now I feel bad since I don't have anything to give you in return..."

"It's fine," Yasuharu says after he's swallowed the disgusting, cloying, sour tasting thing that this body of his refuses to accept as food. He smiles though, because he must. "I don't need anything."

He wishes that all he needs to survive in this world is Kagetsu, as corny as it sounds, because it's been a lonely seventeen years and he's learned that ghouls are yokai with human emotions and wants and needs.

He thinks it's incredibly unfair. They would be much happier if they didn't resemble the prey they covet so much.

They are sharing the last namagashi and pretending that they are children in the streets of a town not very far from here, surrounded by lanterns and wooden houses, when Kagetsu's coworkers walk through the doors.

Yasuharu is attentive to anyone carrying around metal suitcases, thanks to his current life as a ghoul, and he stops eating to point them out to Kagetsu.

Instead of surprise, his friend merely stands to greet his coworkers, explaining that they had wanted to finally meet this mystery lover of his, and Yasuharu instantly ducks his head and feels his face heating up despite himself. He wants to shrink away and hide under the table.

"Oh! So you're the reason why this guy's been saying 'No, thanks!' to free drinks? Our boss pays for us every now and again, but Hamamoto-san declined last time. We all thought it was weird," rambles one of the younger guys around Kagetsu's age. None of his words are accusatory. In fact, he is grinning as he talks, which only makes Kagetsu laugh. "I'm not into guys, but I guess you have good tastes, Hamamoto-san!"

Yasuharu merely smiles and gives them a minuscule bow.

None of them seem surprised that Kagetsu's 'mystery lover' is a man younger than him. He wonders what impression his friend gives off at work nowadays.

"This here is Yasuharu, my boyfriend." Kagetsu maneuvers his way over to Yasuharu's side as his three coworkers fill in the other sides of the table. It's gotten a bit crowded, but the waitress just brings over extra menus and soon everyone is squished around cups of tea, coffee, and glasses of water.

"I'm Sekimoto Yasuharu," Yasuharu says formally, figuring that Kagetsu left off his last name because he could no longer be sure which last name he had in this life - reasonable, given the amount of times Yasuharu changed it in the past[2]. "It's nice to meet you."

"Yasu, these are my coworkers, Yamada, Kimura, and-" Kagetsu motions to each as he introduces them, but is cut off by 'Kimura' before he can finish.

"Wait, wait, wait! You're already using nicknames? How long have you been dating!?" Kimura is definitely the first guy who he heard speak, definitely. He is a short young man with glasses and Yasuharu wonders how he hunts ghouls like that.

Yasuharu shrinks back, willing the heat to leave his face but only succeeding in making himself look shy.

He cannot believe that Kagetsu's coworkers are this okay with them. People in this day and age are supposed to be more conservative about men liking other men, right? Instead they seem happy for him, that he's found someone to like.

"Ah, but I've known Yasuharu for a long time. We grew up together so I've always called him Yasu, right, Yasu?"

Actually, he wants to say, you've never been able to stop calling me 'Sho-chan', but of course he cannot say such a thing. No one can know that he was once called Shozo.

So Yasuharu smiles and nods. "Yup. I'm a little surprised you told everyone though?"

Kagetsu leans forward and motions to the other three at the table. The other two are busy arguing about what to eat and Kimura still seems fairly enthused at the idea of his coworker dating another man.

Maybe they're only interested because of how unusual and strange it is to them.

"Not that we were dating of course! I wanted to ask you about it first."

 _You did no such thing,_ Yasuharu thinks to himself as he grits his teeth. The disgusting, sour taste of the mochi is still plastered to the roof of his mouth and coats his tongue, but he only has water to wash it down. Everyone knows ghouls prefer coffee, after all.

"But they all know that I like men, yeah. You know how I am when I drink..."

Yasuharu does smile at this because if that is a subtle hint to the fact that he hasn't changed much since the old days in that respect, he can see how Kagetsu let that bit of personal information slip. He used to be a bit better about not drinking enough to get to that point, but...

"So, we know how you met, how about..."

They talk through the rest of lunch and Yasuharu deals with it all, smiling in the right places and eating even though he really wants to vomit and by the end he is definitely feeling worse than he did before.

Kagetsu asks him if he's feeling okay and he lies through his teeth. But Kagetsu isn't as oblivious as he was as a child and he leads Yasuharu away, telling his coworkers that they have some other plans for the day.

"You enjoy yourselves!" Kimura calls out across the street, in front of a ton of people, and Yasuharu wants to hide his face in his hands and never look up.

Kagetsu's friends are a colorful bunch, that's for sure.

They don't hold hands on their way to Kagetsu's apartment, but that's okay. Yasuharu isn't so sure he would be able to prevent himself from attacking Kagetsu, either because eating that disgusting food has made him hungry for something he can actually eat, or because he's still annoyed that Kagetsu invited his coworkers without telling him.


	4. Chapter 4

It's been a few months since they met each other that day in the park.

This time they are in Kagetsu's bed, Yasuharu is curled up next to him, and the haze of fading pleasure and the heat from his friend (boyfriend, he must keep reminding himself) is lulling him to sleep.

He stays awake only because he is afraid that when he wakes, all of this will have been nothing but a dream.

"I've wondered this for a while..." Kagetsu starts off strong, but trails off, words dying on his lips. Yasuharu utters a noise of acknowledgement.

When he receives no elaboration, he prods his boyfriend with his foot. He adjusts the sheets draped over them, not that they haven't already seen each other naked and then some.

"What? You're not still hung up by the fact that I'm seventeen, are you?"

"Uh, not...really..."

Yasuharu rolls his eyes. That means he's still bothered by the fact that he's been having sex with a seventeen-year-old, never mind the fact that both of them are mentally way, way older. It isn't even illegal in the first place. And Yasuharu is a ghoul now, which is a crime in and of itself. They might jail you for sleeping with an underaged kid and you might become a social pariah, but the consequence of associating with a ghoul is none other than a death sentence.

"So?"

"You...what do you eat? After you make yourself sick just to eat out in public with me..."

Yasuharu makes sure that not a single breath that escapes his lips is stilted. Most humans wouldn't notice such a thing, but Kagetsu is not like most humans in more ways than one.

He knows that Kagetsu feels guilty every time he heads straight to the bathroom after they go out to eat. His friend stands over him and holds back his hair as he retches into the toilet, trying to empty his stomach before it makes him too weak.

"I eat people, of course," Yasuharu mutters as he folds his arms closer to himself.

He says it with thick disgust. Most ghouls he meets aren't so upset about eating humans. It's understandable, of course, because most of them don't have another lifetime of memories hidden in their heads. Memories of a time when he was human, of a time when their only defense against ghouls were sticks of incense and purification rituals that were oddly effective.

With the exception of Shintaro, everyone he has ever known was human. He fought in the Bakumatsu[1] to protect the people of this country, supposedly, and to eat their descendants just seems wrong to him.

But of course, there probably isn't anyone who can understand. Even if there is, Yasuharu isn't so sure he wants to meet them. There would be nothing to talk about.

He knows that Kagetsu is trying, just as he tried so hard to get to know Yasuharu after the incident with the broken tea set, but he wonders if this is just one thing his friend will never be able to understand about him.

"That's not what I meant."

"People care when other people get killed nowadays," Yasuharu mutters, a bit off-topic. Kagetsu knows where he's coming from, though. In the past, there were times when killing out of self-defense was fine, and if you were a samurai, killing wasn't called murder anymore. Well, most of the time[2].

Kagetsu shifts so that they are ever closer, but Yasuharu is spent so he gently pushes him away. He doesn't think he can stand another round without screaming. And this isn't a hotel, so they have to keep the volume down.

He wonders who the younger of them is, sometimes.

"I'm not - I don't do that scavenging thing, if that's what you're asking..."

"So you kill people?"

He can hear the disapproval in Kagetsu's voice and wishes that he didn't know this man so well. Others might not even notice the subtle shift in tone.

Kagetsu was raised in a proper household unlike him, after all.

"I...this is why I asked...if you're okay with such a thing like me, filled with impurities..." Yasuharu mutters, burying his head into his arms. The warmth of his own skin burns him, but he keeps his face pressed against himself. Unknowingly, his legs curl up to his chest. His heart pounds within him, fluttering painfully. It's been ages since he last cried...

He hears the sheets shuffle and feels the touch of calloused fingers against his arm, then more which crawl underneath his chin and make him look up. The touch is feather light even though Kagetsu could apply as much pressure as he can manage, and perhaps Yasuharu would be left with a vaguely reddish pink mark. Maybe.

Kagetsu doesn't look disgusted, even though he's touched Yasuharu everywhere by now, even inside him. It's a difference he doesn't understand, but he gladly leans into the touch offered to him.

"Don't say that about yourself...times are changing, you know?"

"That doesn't apply to ghouls."

It's true, of course. People are trying to stop discriminating against those who came from the eta class [3]- Yasuharu doesn't even know what they are called nowadays.

But being a ghoul still means that he is kegare itself.

He wonders if this is how Shintaro felt.

"So why are you angry at me?" Yasuharu continues, looking at Kagetsu but focusing on anything but his eyes. Kagetsu's brow furrows.

"I'm not angry. But, to kill people..."

"I killed a lot of people during the Bakumatsu. You did too."

"That's different."

It isn't really. But this era has raised them into different people than they were in the past and Yasuharu often forgets it. So he pulls away, lifts himself from the bed, and sits there for a moment, trying to ignore the slimy sensation between his thighs.

He doesn't want to leave. He's full, having eaten not so long ago. He won't attack Kagetsu. But...

"Kagetsu, do you love me?" he asks all of a sudden.

"What are you, a girl?" Kagetsu only sounds vaguely amused, which makes his heart race for a few seconds.

No, he knows Kagetsu. He has to believe in the boy he met so long ago. No matter what happened to them then, they stayed together.

"Kagetsu-"

"Yes, you idiot," Kagetsu says quietly, creeping up and wrapping his arms around Yasuharu's torso, pulling him back until they are laying awkwardly on the bed again. He breathes against Yasuharu's neck and licks it softly. It tingles and sends a shiver down Yasuharu's spine. He wonders what it would feel like if Kagetsu licked where his kakuho is... "I told you that I'd follow you no matter where you go, right? No matter what you decide to do. No matter who you become."

Yasuharu isn't aware that he is crying until Kagetsu wipes the tears away.

Words are left unsaid that night. Words Yasuharu has never been able to voice, not one hundred years ago, and certainly not now.

And when he does finally say them, it will be too late. He knows this before it even happens because this is the ultimate cumulation of this strange series of events that is their lives.

It's happened before and will happen again. This is how the world works.


	5. Chapter 5

They see each other for almost an entire year.

All it takes is one half-crazy ghoul attacking them outside a restaurant at night for everything to shatter into a thousand pieces.

With his keener senses Yasuharu hears the ghoul's enraged muttering before he sees or smells her.

She wants revenge. It's an emotion he sees often in ghouls, in humans, in the present and the past.

By the time Kagetsu opens his quinque, it will be too late, so Yasuharu does the only thing he can think of at that moment.

He has no sword, has not had one for years and probably wouldn't be able to wield it correctly with this body even if he did.

He does have something better than a sword, a kagune that forms itself into the shape of one.

It's not the strongest, he knows, because he's been eating human food for so long. But it's enough to knock the incoming ghoul back before she can reach Kagetsu's head.

And suddenly, suddenly Yasuharu feels like he isn't in modern day Tokyo anymore. Like he's back on the battlefield, standing amongst Satsuma[1] soldiers, back-to-back with the people he called his comrades.

"Yasu, _tori_ [2]!"

He needs no further instruction, and ducks to the right. He sees the long, spear-like quinque shoot out and slice off one of the rinkaku tentacles that comes from the female ghoul's back.

The blood pumps through his veins and he lets himself smile once during the fight, and he remembers the thrill of battle again. Killing is never something he has liked, but to fight alongside someone like Kagetsu is something he doesn't even realize he missed.

Of course, it's all over relatively quickly. Even weakened, Yasuharu has battle experience, and Kagetsu is apparently quite strong as well.

And as soon as the bloodlust fades, Yasuharu looks down at the kokaku kagune of his, which shines luminescent blue and red like a freaking lobster, and not for the first time he wishes he had been born human again.

"It's shaped like a sword," is all Kagetsu says.

Yasuharu nods, telling himself that he absolutely must not cry anymore.

It will only make things worse for Kagetsu.

He hears the sounds of the other CCG officers in the vicinity. He can run, but there are witnesses to this crime and he doesn't want to run away from the only thing that's made him happy in this lifetime.

He smiles weakly and retracts his kagune, walking over quickly and hugging Kagetsu around the midsection. He's grown a bit, but Kagetsu is still taller and thicker than him.

"I'm glad we were able to meet again," he murmurs softly, breathing in this familiar yet foreign scent that makes him light-headed. "That was my last and only wish."

"Yasuharu..."

"What's going on here!?" Ah, that's Kimura's voice, the annoying guy who is always morbidly curious about their relationship.

"G-ghouls!" shouts a pedestrian.

"Kagetsu...to be honest, I'm okay with this..." Yasuharu says as he watches the CCG officers, Kagetsu's coworkers, approach with their quinques drawn.

"Yasuharu! Why - no. Just-" Kagetsu jolts, as if only just becoming aware of the reality of their situation as he tries to push Yasuharu away.

But he pulls himself closer, shaking his head. Kagetsu is warm and he needs this warmth in this life so much more than he did in the past.

He only realizes he is crying when he hears himself speak, no longer whispering because he can't keep his voice so low.

"I...I know I should have been the one who died that night. It should have been me who died instead of Narusawa-san! That must be why I was born as this despicable existence, you know? But I'm done...I'll gladly die now."

"Yasu, stop saying such unreasonable things...!"

Kagetsu keeps them rooted to the spot and glares at his coworkers from over his shoulder, his broad back acting as a shield.

"I'm tired, Kagetsu. I'm tired of living if it means doing so at the expense of others. I'm tired of seeing the people I love die for me. You know, I was really happy these last few months...!"

Yasuharu laughs weakly and pulls himself away, swatting his friend's hands away easily.

When he looks up, it's through his tears. He sees Kagetsu stand there, holding his weapon resolutely, his back to the CCG investigators who want to cut them both down.

There are no enemies for him to fight this time, though. Not clansmen or the shogunate's supporters, not Shintaro who he would have lost against had they actually fought.

"But this time, this time I won't wish for us to meet again...I want this to end here, tonight. We've been fortunate, really we have! Who else gets to spend more than a single lifetime with someone they love?"

Yasuharu doesn't care about the confusion on the CCG investigators' faces. He smiles as he takes his kagune out. It coils out from his kakuho, a slick feeling that sends rivulets of strength up and down his spine.

"Perhaps I can change our destiny. Kagetsu, we shall never meet again. With this, we will put an end to our promise...That is, for all of us..."

"...to meet again on the other side of Nihonbashi."

As soon as Kagetsu finishes the final words of a century-old promise made by a group of idealistic men at the start of the end of an era, Yasuharu shifts his kagune and pieces himself in the chest with it.

Yasuharu is not a samurai. He might have been born as Shozo, the son of a low-ranking samurai, but of everyone in their group besides Shintaro he has always been the one who exemplifies the warrior's path the least.

He does not slice his belly open and he does not ask Kagetsu to take on the burden of cutting off his head[3]. Although it's hard to override the instinct to live and try to eat the warm flesh surrounding him, he fights it down and takes his kagune out again, only to stab himself one final time in the heart.

When he collapses, he closes his eyes and sees the Edo Bridge and the Nihonbashi River, the streets of their youth, and the paulownia tree that hung over the gates to their dojo until the day he died for the first time.

Nothing in this world is permanent. The cherry blossoms that are so loved by this country are beautiful because they are mortal. When they die, people smile.

Somewhere along the side of the road, the _shibitobana_ [4] bloom, a splash of crimson brilliance set against the cold Tokyo landscape.

Yasuharu forgot one important detail. As his consciousness fades, he remembers...

...that today is a holiday, the day of Ohigan[5], a day for those who have already left this world.

* * *

This is not the end!...Yet!


	6. Chapter 6

Kagetsu stands above the body of the ghoul he once called his brother in a life that began and ended many years ago. Dark red blood crawls across the concrete and the kagune that looks like a sword still pierces his chest.

In the end it all comes down to sacrifice. Yasuharu's eyes were never the same as they were before Narusawa gave his life in exchange for the crime Yasuharu committed.

Kagetsu knows that he can walk away from this alive. His subordinates and other coworkers surround him, weapons lowering although they still eye him with distrust and disbelief. But he knows each and every one of them and knows that if he says this boy used those otherworldly qualities of his to seduce him, they will merely write it off as such.

But Yasuharu was right. They are not people who belong in this day and age.

So Kagetsu shifts the grip on his quinque. Everyone around him stiffens.

"Why!?" says the shrill, watery voice of his newest student, a girl by the name of Miharu. Her hair is dyed an odd auburn color, something Kagetsu never quite understood about the modern era. It makes them look foreign. "Tell me you didn't know what it was!"

 _"If you're okay with such a thing like me..."_ Yasuharu said something similar.

He lets it go. By modern standards, each and every one of them reborn into this era is a murderer anyways. Values are different now. What constitutes a crime is much more broad.

Kagetsu looks at Yasuharu's body. And he smiles fondly at him as he wonders what he thought about in his last moments. Was it of the times they spent in this life, wrapped in desperate, sweaty embraces? Or was it of the days long gone, days spent in kimono dashing up and down the halls of a dojo that no longer exists?

"My foolish friend..." Kagetsu says softly. "Did you not remember the promise I made to you all those years ago? That I would follow you no matter where you go or what you become."

"Hamamoto-sensei, stop it, please!" Miharu cries out. She is desperate, too, and so it everyone else who has known the slightly air-headed, well-intentioned Kagetsu the CCG investigator. "It's dead, okay? Snap out of it! Why are you doing this?"

Kagetsu lifts his head to look at his subordinate, at everyone who he has fought alongside in this war against ghouls. He smiles at them.

"Sensei, please tell me why you're doing this! You can't really be in love with a ghoul!" Miharu says through clenched teeth. Her eyes shine with the fury and sadness of youth.

"My name is Hamamoto Kagetsu Mitsunaga. It's probably a name that has been lost to history, but the fact that I once fought for this man and made a promise to remain by his side will not change. I know you don't understand. I don't need you to. I do love him, though. That's not a lie or a trick."

"What...what are you talking about, Hamamoto-san?" Kimura says sharply, but he is more confused than angry. "You're acting strange..."

Kagetsu shrugs. "There are plenty of things you will never understand about this world. This will just have to be one of them."

He lifts the quinque that has served him well. He remembers, vaguely, the ghoul he killed to acquire it. But he doesn't feel bad about it the way looking at Yasuharu makes his chest tighten.

He knows intrinsically that these are things he should not be telling the people of this era. But Kagetsu is a selfish person just like all other humans and he knows that the media will twist these events out of proportion. His parents, who will remain alive for another nine years, will simply think that their son was killed by a ghoul in the line of duty.

Not that he killed himself with his own quinque because he could not bear to continue this charade.

He never told Yasuharu this, but Shintaro is alive and well in this era. And he got his wish, to be human, and so he never told his friend turned lover because he knows that they will want to see each other.

And this entire ordeal cannot carry on any longer. No matter how many lifetimes they cycle through, they will never meet again on the other side of Nihonbashi.

No, this time they will meet on that shore of the Sanzu River.

Kagetsu doesn't smile when he thrusts the quinque through his torso, tearing through muscle, bone, and probably severing his spinal cord. It burns, nothing like the quiet death of old age he experienced in the past, and it sears his mind with agony.

He doesn't smile because death isn't something to be happy about. But he opens his eyes to give his subordinates one last look of fondness.

 _ **"さらばだ。"**_

* * *

Yuup it's a double-suicide. There's still a bit more to go with the story though.

Those last words mean "farewell" but it's a fairly old way of saying it in Japanese and it would sound odd to the rest of the characters as well.


	7. Chapter 7

Shintaro stood in front of them once their bodies had cooled and stiffened like two lovers in a double-suicide. A blue tarp had been tossed over them to conceal the blood and the kagune from curious bystanders, and Kagetsu's young student fresh out of the academy protested when he lifted the edge to look at their faces.

Stained with blood, they looked exactly how he remembers them from over a hundred years ago. Shintaro never saw them grow old and die, so seeing them at that moment with their eyes forever closed to the world made his now-human heart clench in pain.

When Shintaro cried out and slammed his fist against the concrete, slashing open his hand, no one understood his grief. The slightly too serious Shintaro who follows everything by the book like a good soldier had never cried for any of his comrades' deaths before.

"If you have time to cry, you should be using that time to carry on the hopes and wishes of those who died."

Shintaro, older than this Kagetsu by three years instead of five as it had been in the past, told him this after the younger man's first mission. Even though they have already had a lifetime to get used to losses on the battlefield, he still found the guy crying to himself in the bathroom a full day after it happened.

 _Life goes on,_ Shintaro tells himself, _and the pain eventually fades._ Shintaro understands death better than anyone after all.

He let his fingers brush against the cold skin of his two former comrades despite the protests from the people behind him. Afterwards, he said nothing further and went home after hearing the brief, probably fabricated report. Those two just weren't capable of killing each other, after all, no matter who or what they had become.

Alone in his apartment, Shintaro now sinks to the floor and laughs at the irony of their existences.

He, once swathed in death and the taint of kegare from head to toe, is the only survivor of the three. Yasuharu, who never got over the guilt of having been protected by people who loved him all his life, became a ghoul despised by all the world. And Kagetsu, the son of a distinguished samurai, ended his own life not for the sake of honor or victory, but out of love for a thing most would call a monster.

Shintaro takes the small box given to him by the guys who cleaned out Kagetsu's locker at work. It contains some pocket change, a protection charm from a nearby shrine, and a letter addressed to him. It looks like someone has opened it already, probably to make sure Kagetsu wasn't proclaiming himself to be a ghoul supporter or something.

The letter is a simple goodbye letter.

 _Dear Shintaro,_

 _If you're reading this, then I'm dead. Thanks for looking after me all this time and try to smile more often, okay? It's good for your health!_

 _I don't have much to leave behind and most of it should go back to my folks, so you get cheated a bit, sorry..._

 _I promised to make a copy of that embarrassing video of us dressed up like trees and rocks for that play in elementary school, right? I finally got one from my mother, so I've included it in here._

 _I'm sorry you ended up outliving me. I know it will bother you, but do your best to try and make up for whatever mistake I've made that led to this._

 _Thank you for everything!_

 _Sincerely,_

 _Kagetsu_

Shintaro does not cry. He does not know how one should go about experiencing grief when he knows both Yasuharu and Kagetsu were probably happy to die, in some twisted way.

Instead, he plucks the flash drive from the envelope and wonders what the significance of it might be. Kagetsu, for his slightly oblivious nature, was always hiding more layers than a single person could ever uncover. Shintaro has long since given up trying to figure the man out.

There must be a reason why he left this video because Shintaro does not remember ever asking him for a copy of it. He didn't even know Kagetsu's mother recorded that embarrassing time in their new lives.

"Well, let's check it out..." Shintaro mutters to himself. He inserts the drive into his computer and lowers the volume, just in case.

At first, it really seems to be a simple home video of them, in elementary school, waddling around the stage in weird costumes. There's a prince and a princess, horses, knights, talking trees and flowers...Shintaro, fortunately, ended up playing a rock, which meant he only had to sit there then whole time. Kagetsu was a singing tree.

Then the video cuts short, the shrill singing ends, and Shintaro is looking at Kagetsu and Yasuharu sitting on the couch in Kagetsu's apartment, waving at the camera. They are both dressed in simple, comfortable clothes.

"Greetings, Shintaro-san!" Kagetsu says in a very exaggerated old way of speaking, like they are still alive during the end of the Edo period. He continues this farce for quite some time. "That you have made it this far is a fortunate thing, and I ask that after you have memorized everything of importance, you destroy this file."

Yasuharu interjects, his voice striking Shintaro's ears for the first time in so long that he isn't even sure it's the same person at first.

"Remember me? It's Yasuharu! Or Shozo, if you prefer that one. I don't know if you figured it out or not, but I ended up being a ghoul in this life...ironic, huh? Before Kagetsu gets all serious, I wanted to tell you..."

Yasuharu trails off. It takes several attempts, as well as several jabs from Kagetsu, for him to finish. His voice is remarkably young. Or maybe it's Shintaro's faulty memory that is having trouble reconciling the image of this smiling young man with the harsh determination of the one who cut Shintaro out of his life all those years ago.

"I wanted to apologize. For everything."

He doesn't say anything else, but Shintaro honestly never even expected this much from him.

"Oh! And Kagetsu and I are dating now! Weird, right?" Yasuharu laughs and it's his laugh that takes Shintaro back, this carefree laugh that conceals all of his hurt and longing and anger.

Yasuharu leans over towards Kagetsu and Shintaro looks away with a scowl. When he's sure that they've stopped kissing, he looks back.

"Anyways, what I need to tell you is something you mustn't tell anyone you cannot trust one hundred percent," Kagetsu says. "I'm sure you remember everything that happened back then. You know that in 1864 the Choshu tried to take over the Imperial Palace, right? And that afterwards, the shogunate ordered the guys from the Satsuma Domain to attack Choshu in the first expedition?"

Yes, Shintaro remembers all of it. He didn't separate from the group yet at that point.

"Thanks to Saigo-dono, Choshu's forces were spared and only a few leaders ended up committing suicide. But then the shogunate ordered Satsuma to lead another attack, the second expedition...Do you know where I'm going with this? Satsuma switched sides because they knew the shogunate was only using their natural rivalry with Choshu to not only destroy Choshu, but to eventually eliminate Satsuma as well."

Shintaro bites his lip. He doesn't like the parallels that his friend is making.

"Don't you see the very same thing is playing out now? The shogunate has returned to Japan, but it now calls itself the CCG. I'm not saying raising an army to fight ghouls is bad, because let's face it, we can't just sit back and say all ghouls are as lovely and friendly as you and Yasuharu. And even at that, you weren't exactly all warm and fuzzy."

"I'm not fuzzy!" Yasuharu says with a small whine that is definitely new to this version of him from the modern era.

"...But you need to be careful. We've all seen too many of our comrades die for the sake bureaucracy. For commanders who couldn't give two shits about our lives."

Shintaro watches as this fake Kagetsu smiles sadly, letting Yasuharu lean against him with a disgruntled sigh.

"I...I probably don't need to tell you this. But we aren't warriors anymore. There's no glory to be found in fighting to the death. I just worry, you know? Because now and then, you've always seemed like you could care less about whether or not your comrades died around you, Shintaro."

Shintaro tenses and stops himself from punching the computer screen even though (or perhaps because) he knows that Kagetsu is right. The distant, haunted look in Yasuharu's eyes tells him that the other man still hasn't forgotten what Shintaro did all those years ago.

How he killed one of their own comrades because he thought the guy would eventually betray them.

But what about now...? Shintaro thought for sure that being what he was, a ghoul, made him cold to death. Made both death and living seem like two sides of the same meaningless coin.

Being reborn human, his greatest wish, should have fixed him. But the sad smile Kagetsu wears in the video tells him that perhaps, it isn't being a ghoul or a human that makes the difference.

"I...We know you have good intentions," Yasuharu says softly. This oddly - gentle - him is a little disconcerting. "That's why we're telling you all this. Because well, who knows how much time we've got left? They'll find out what I am eventually and then, well..."

Kagetsu looks like he wants to protest, but he does not. He just continues. "Even if we're gone, this problem with our country isn't going away. I know you probably aren't in a position to do much of anything about the big picture, but we just wanted to warn you. There has to be some reason we were born again in this era."

The rest of the video finishes with the two of them saying their goodbyes, laughing half-heartedly to each other as they tell Shintaro to enjoy his life without them.

When Shintaro has committed every word to memory and crushed and burned the flash drive, he sits down and stares at the ceiling with a blank expression.

"Stupid humans..." he mutters to the air. "Always so selfish...each and every one of you..."

But, even so, he has obtained what he always wanted. More than comrades or friendship, the only thing he's ever wanted was to be human.

Shintaro looks down at his human flesh and squeezes his eyes shut.

 _This is what you wanted,_ he tells himself, _so you have no right to complain now._

In a sense, everyone got what they wanted.

* * *

The only thing left after this are the footnotes and an omake. A big thank you to everyone who has read this story all the way to the end!


	8. Footnotes

_**Footnotes**_

 _Hanamichi (_ 花道) _:_ A section of the stage used in _kabuki_ theatre, which can be used for the actors to enter and exit, but also is where asides or minor scenes can take place. Originally it was used so the actors could step into the audience to receive flowers from them, and so it was called _hanamichi_ or _flower path_.

 _Nihonbashi (_ 日本橋): Literally means _Japan Bridge._ It is currently a business district in the Central Ward of Tokyo. Even during the Edo period it was an important economic center and was named after the bridge that connected the two sides of the _Nihonbashi River_. This area marked the end of the _Nakasendo_ (one of the few roads leading directly to Kyoto) and the _Tokaido_ (one of the other major roads leading to Kyoto). Our main characters, for the most part, grew up in this area.

 _ **Chapter 1**_

[1] _Oni:_ A classic Japanese demon or ogre that carries an iron club called a _kanabo_. An expression with this word is " _oni-ni-kanabo_ " and means that one is invincible, or "strong beyond strong".

[2] Purification rituals: The only way to get rid of _kegare_. There are two, one is a cleansing ritual and the other is an exorcism. However, _kegare_ could never be removed from the _burakumin._

[3] Shozo: Yasuharu's childhood name. In old Japan, it was common among samurai and nobility to give their children a childhood name, which they would use until their coming-of-age ceremony. Yasuharu is his adult name.

 _ **Chapter 2**_

[1] Kagetsu's name: One way of writing _kagetsu_ is with the characters for flower and moon [花月], which is an archaic word. Another way of writing _kagetsu_ is [華月] meaning _splendid/showy/shining moon_.

[3] _Daifuku:_ Mochi with sweetened red bean paste inside.

[4] Homosexuality: In old Japan, homosexuality especially between men was more widely accepted for reasons you can look up on your own. Generally, it was much more accepted if one party was older and the other was a younger man or boy. Yasuharu and Kagetsu were never in a relationship in their own time (where they were actually the same age, give or take a year), so Yasuharu finds their current relationship a bit ironic.

 _ **Chapter 3**_

[1] _Namagashi:_ A type of Japanese confectionary used in tea ceremonies. They are usually designed to look like flowers that match the season, and are made from fruit jelly, the kind of jelly used in _yokan_ , and red bean paste.

[2] Yasuharu's name: People changed their names for a variety of reasons in Japan. Yasuharu's childhood name was Shozo and the surname he was born with was Sekimoto, but later on he gains his adult name, Yasuharu, and then he is adopted by the dojo where he lived, and so his name later becomes Kirisaki Yasuharu since the Kirisaki family adopted him.

 _ **Chapter 4**_

[1] Bakumatsu: The end of the Tokugawa shogunate, from 1853 to 1867.

[2] Samurai could kill those of the _eta_ (the old name for the _Burakumin_ class) without penalty.

[3] _Eta:_ The old name for the burakumin.

 _ **Chapter 5**_

[1] _Satsuma:_ Samurai from the Satsuma Domain, led by the Shimazu family. Most of them sided with the imperialist _shishi_ group eventually (as opposed to the shogunate's forces).

[2] _Tori [_ 酉 _]:_ The 12 animals from the Chinese Zodiac were used to tell time and direction. _Tori_ represents the Rooster, the time of 5-7pm, and the west.

[3] _Harakiri:_ Ritual suicide included slicing open your own stomach, and having an assistant cut your head off, basically to end your misery.

[4] _Shibitobana [死人花]:_ Flower of the dead, another name for the _higanbana_ , or red spider lily flower. The legend behind this flower originates from China and tells of two spirits, one who guarded the leaves of the flower, and the other which guarded the flower itself. They were forbidden by Heaven to meet each other, but broke the rules, so they were punished thereafter to never see each other again, and this is the reason why the flower and the leaves of the spider lily never grow at the same time. They represent longing, loss, and abandonment, and it is said these bloom along your path if you meet someone you are destined to never see again. They also represent the afterlife.

[5] _Ohigan [お彼岸]:_ A Buddhist festival that was celebrated around the spring and autumn equinoxes. People pay visits to graves during this time. _Higan_ refers to the "that shore of the Sanzu River", the Sanzu River being like the River Styx from Greek mythology. _Higan_ is used to refer to Enlightenment.


	9. 45: Omake

_**Chapter 4.5**_

 _Think of this as an omake (that's oddly enough longer than all of the real chapters). Takes place between chapters 4 and 5. It features canon characters for a bit, which is why I decided to remove it from the regular storyline. This part is really just a whole bunch of self-indulgence lol sorry._

* * *

Even though it makes him sick to his stomach, Yasuharu likes to go out to eat with Kagetsu.

It isn't even the pain in his stomach that he minds so much as the bestial bloodlust that claws through his veins after he has purged himself of everything he ate. He tends to shove Kagetsu away from the bathroom with a little too much force, perhaps afraid of himself and what he can and very well might do.

Yasuharu has never been the expert on self-control, after all; Kagetsu is much better. Several victims who fell to his sword in the past can attest to that.

Or...maybe he's actually gotten a little better at it. He can sit through an entire meal and generally not balk at how much his current body protests at how he's treating it. He can do all this and not let his kakugan show and stop himself from trying to eat everyone in the immediate vicinity.

He tells himself that he's doing it for Kagetsu's sake.

Today, they are in another small, well-lit cafe for lunch.

Yasuharu is busy wondering what mayonnaise actually tastes like, since it's on this sandwich that tastes like sewer water and the ashes from an incense burner (and sadly, he does know what both taste like) and they didn't have mayonnaise during the Edo period. He doesn't much like Western food, precisely for the reason that he has no clue about the taste of it.

Actually, Kagetsu doesn't seem to really having anything in his cabinets at home besides rice and the fresh vegetables he goes out to buy at the grocery store across the street from his apartment everyday. Western food is supposed to be popular, but he only ever sees Kagetsu eat it when they go out for lunch or dinner sometimes.

He supposes things are different now. There is no one to cook for him, so perhaps Kagetsu just prefers not to make a fuss.

Yasuharu has to do something or else he will probably throw up right here and now, so he takes a sip of coffee wishing he could just drink the entire pot in one go, and he asks Kagetsu the question that's been on the tip of his tongue since he first got to visit to his apartment.

"Don't you ever eat anything other than rice and vegetables at home?"

They tend to talk about food, pretending that Yasuharu has some deep interest in traditional Japanese cooking, because talking about food is always a safe bet. It's a good way to hide in plain sight.

Kagetsu stops nibbling on his ham-and-cheese sandwich and hums in consideration of the question. It's a plain hum this time. His friend likes to sing the lullaby of Edo, but only when they are alone and there's no one to question it.

"Not really. I have instant ramen, sometimes."

"You should eat more healthily." Humans are fragile as it is, he wants to say. "You never used to have a problem eating a whole bunch of foods."

At this, Kagetsu makes a face, half in confusion and half in obvious disagreement. Yasuharu wonders what he has said that was wrong. Kagetsu looks like he just swallowed a mouthful of dirt.

Haha, and that's exactly what Yasuharu is tasting right now...he didn't think anything could make coffee taste bad but apparently a ham-and-cheese sandwiches does the trick.

"Is that how things seemed back then?" Kagetsu says quite honestly. He fixes Yasuharu with narrowed eyes, but he isn't angry or even irritated. Yasuharu smiles and nods, fighting the urge to reach out to him.

They are lovers now, after all. And Yasuharu hasn't even spoken to another ghoul in months, let alone had physical contact with another living being. The interactions he has had up until the day he met Kagetsu again were trivial, filled with stock phrases and meaningless words. He wants to press a hand against Kagetsu's hand or lay his head on his shoulder, but he doesn't because they're in public.

So he smiles. "Yeah. You were always talkative around dinnertime. I was really amazed by all the good food everyone got to eat when I first starting living there!"

'There' being the dojo where they spent their youth. Yasuharu couldn't help but try to find it again, but it's just a department store now.

He remembers taking their dinners in the reception hall, how hardly anyone except for the women and Kagetsu made sure to eat and chew everything carefully and not talk until they swallowed it all. Everyone else would shout across the room, point chopsticks at each other accusingly, and there were even a few brawls every now and again.

Yasuharu is smiling fondly when Kagetsu shatters that happy delusion he has been believing in all this time. Partially, at least.

"Mhm...to be honest, I really used to hate eating in general. When I still lived at home, I would eat as quick as I could without getting scolded, and I'd only eat what little it took to make me full. Then I'd leave as fast as I could.[1]"

Kagetsu is talking about his home in Satsuma, which is probably either a museum or burned to the ground or otherwise lost to history. He wonders if things ended up the same in this time.

"Really...?" Yasuharu says, a little disappointed. He remembers Kagetsu's bright smiles that seemed far too good to be true. How he'd beam at Yasuharu when he brought Kagetsu his meals. "Why, though? Your family..."

Had a lot of money. There were months when Yasuharu's father spent all the money on liquor or to pay their debts or to try and get the shop up and running again. They ate nothing but rice porridge and wilted vegetables back then.

To Yasuharu, food had always been something you need to survive and nothing more. Certainly not something to be enjoyed, just consumed to give you enough energy to try and acquire more the next day.

Ironically, that's exactly how he feels about eating nowadays, too.

Kagetsu laughs quietly, humorlessly.

"The food was good, I guess. There was not one thing that was prepared badly. But it was the atmosphere in that dining hall that ruined it. My family is a proper, traditional one, you know that. Everyone would line up dutifully, lie about how they were doing fine that day, and eat little bite sized pieces at a time. Everything had to be perfect even with we didn't have guests. My mother would slap me over the knuckles if I ate too fast."

Kagetsu doesn't touch his sandwich. Maybe, just maybe it tastes as bad to him as it does to Yasuharu now.

"I hated it. I used to insist on eating in our room at the dojo because I thought everyone there would eat the same way they did at my place. Even then, it's not like I really enjoyed eating. It's not something you really have a choice but to do, though...But Narusawa-san dragged me to eat with everyone else just once and...well, you saw the result of that."

Yasuharu is speechless. He thought he knew his friend after spending a lifetime with him, but he doesn't. He lowers his head and glances at his friend-slash-boyfriend with a hesitant look.

He won't apologize like others might. There isn't anything to apologize for, except maybe that he brought it up in the first place. But Kagetsu doesn't look too troubled by it. He's moved on, his eyes flickering down to the sandwich on his plate.

"Well, I never really got used to eating Western food," he laughs, taking a bite.

Yasuharu copies him and tells his tongue to shut up and pretend it's sponge cake.

"So...what about now?" Yasuharu asks. He still thinks it isn't healthy to eat rice and vegetables everyday, nor is it very pleasant.

"I'm just used to it, I guess. I don't want to make a big fuss of cooking for one person."

So it's as he guessed.

They quietly finish what's on their plates, mostly. Yasuharu slips half of the sandwich to Kagetsu, who glares accusingly at him.

It's that sudden movement Kagetsu makes, whipping his head to the side to glare at him, which triggers it.

'It' is how he suddenly lurches in his seat, as if losing balance, and brings one hand up to steady his head. With a hiss, Kagetsu squeezes his eyes shut and passes out on the table. Partially, as he's still conscious but not really responding.

Yasuharu's heart crawls into his throat as he shakes Kagetsu by the shoulder, moving around to the other side and calling his name. The store's employees come due to the resulting crash of the dishes being displaced.

"What's wrong? Should we call an ambulance...?" inquires a young man.

Yasuharu shakes his head. Kagetsu hates places like that more than anything.

He pauses for a second before delving into his suitcase - the normal one, not the one that smells vaguely of death up close.

He rummages around and pulls out a small amber bottle. The words are hard to read, as their language contains some words that weren't around back when he learned how to read and write. He does manage to read it, though.

"Iron supplements...?" It says to take with meals, but he's never once seen Kagetsu eat one of these. "It's for anemia..."

That makes his heart clench in fear because anemia is never a good thing and he doesn't know what to do. He can't just shove this pill down Kagetsu's throat and medicine doesn't work that fast anyways.

When he looks up, one of the store's employees offers to call the hospital, suggesting that he really needs to be looked at, but Yasuharu shakes his head again.

"It's fine. Just call a cab, please."

Why did they have to choose this cafe out of all the cafes within a two block radius?

It's called Anteiku and it's run by ghouls. Yasuharu knows this because he has come here before, back when he remembered who and what he used to be and couldn't stand to kill someone just to eat them. Before he got over it.

Kagetsu is a ghoul investigator. And he's human, obviously. No matter how many years of experience he has, he'll lose to this many ghouls in a state like this, and no, Yasuharu can't let them take him.

No, if they drag you to the medic you're done for. Only those still standing with all their limbs intact are good to go.

The birds and wild dogs will devour you on the battlefield alive.

Yasuharu shakes Kagetsu and curses as he calls his name because he isn't that strong in this life (he wasn't strong in his old life either, but the people around him made him so).

He can hear voices and in the background, a familiar, alarming chime rings in his ears. The sound of wood striking iron. He almost flinches and he even thinks that he smells burning wood when-

"Sekimoto-san! You're Sekimoto-san, right?" He hears a voice and sees a dark-haired boy maybe around his age, who is wearing an eyepatch and stands on the other side of the counter.

"Kur-" Yasuharu shuts up before he blurts out the name of a human who's been dead for years.

Kurosaki always joked about losing that eye of his, saying it was in some noble fight. It wasn't. It happened after he got in a brawl when he went to Yoshiwara one evening.

"It'll be okay. We can just let him rest in the back room until he wakes up if the hospital is no good. It's fine."

Yasuharu has always be indebted to others in one way or another, so he gives in and nods. He'll smack Kagetsu over the head when he wakes up for this.

The staff on duty today stare at them in wariness, nervousness, and there's definitely fury there as well. Yasuharu doesn't leave Kagetsu's side. He hasn't been to this place in a long time...

He smiles at the manager of the cafe when the old man enters, though every fiber in his body is tense and screaming at him to flee. But he can't. For more reasons than the simple fact that Kagetsu is laying here defenseless.

"Sekimoto-kun, was it?"

The manager remembers everyone's name. He pretends as if he might have forgotten it though.

Yasuharu nods sharply. "We'll leave as soon as he wakes up."

"You know who he is. Does he know who you are?"

Kagetsu's sleeping face isn't peaceful. He knows why, probably knows why, and he wishes he can crawl into his dreams and tell him that nothing that happened back then is his fault, but he cannot.

"No," Yasuharu lies simply. They will kill them if he says yes. "He's somewhat oblivious and blinded by lust. He likes me. And he hasn't found out; he won't, either."

He almost wants to laugh. Kagetsu, blinded by lust? Most men would be. But Kagetsu, who never once went to Yoshiwara, while even Yasuharu went a few times...

Kagetsu mumbles in his sleep and the words are incredibly faint, but Yasuharu hears them anyways and moves to run his hand down the side of his face uselessly.

"Do you love that man?"

"What?" Yasuharu mumbles. He doesn't blush at all when he responds. "Yes. For a long time. I know him better than I know myself, so-"

He never finishes, because Kagetsu wakes up in a flurry of movement. His friend shoots up, crouched over and reaching for a sword that is no longer at his side. Yasuharu has gotten up to move in front of him, and he can tell the other ghouls in this cafe are preparing for a fight.

Kagetsu sees Yasuharu's face and relief is apparent in his eyes, but there is the fever of madness there as well and everything he says is all wrong.

"Yasuharu...! Kurosaki...Kurosaki's dead...We have to go! Now! Kyo's burn-[2]"

"Kagetsu!" Yasuharu practically screams, smacking him over the head as he promised to himself. His heart beats wildly in his chest and he wants to run so far away but he doesn't. "Nothing's on fire!"

Kagetsu freezes because in his mind it's quite obvious; their capital is on fire and the gate has been breached and Yasuharu is just standing there calmly...! He blinks and takes a long, hard look at Yasuharu and suddenly the panic and the adrenaline melts from his body.

"It's not...burning?"

"No, you were just having a nightmare...care to explain what this is?" Yasuharu knows it's mean to interrogate him about the pills after a nightmare like that, but those eyes are in the doorway and the manager's still sitting right over there.

Kagetsu breaths heavily and blinks again. "My iron supplements...?"

"Why."

"I have anemia...? Hey, Yasuharu, don't look like that. It's not like I'm gonna die you know...? I'm not sick, it's just because of a surgery I had a while ago, and it's been pretty stressful at work..."

Yasuharu wants to scream. That's not why he looks concerned. Kagetsu notices the manager at last and bows quickly, laughing in a self-deprecating manner.

"I'm sorry, it's rude of me not to introduce myself after I apparently ended up napping on your couch..."

"You passed out," Yasuharu hisses.

"My name is Hamamoto Kagetsu. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Likewise, Hamamoto-san. I am Yoshimura, the manager here."

It's all very polite and proper, but Yasuharu has had enough so he yanks on Kagetsu's arm, pulling him to his feet with unnecessary force. Kagetsu has just enough time to grab his quinque.

"We're leaving. Thank you for letting us use your facilities."

"Wait, just like that, Yasu? You're being rude!"

Yasuharu doesn't stop until he is hyperventilating, nearly four blocks later. It's not enough distance, they can catch up easily.

Kagetsu's face appears in front of him and his old friend grasps him by the sides of his face.

"Yasuharu...what happened back there?"

He cannot tell him the truth. Yasuharu knows how tied to his duty Kagetsu is, even when the Bakumatsu was raging. He - they - all wanted to protect their country, once. And they would do anything, almost anything, to do so.

Kagetsu is a samurai, the son of a retainer to the Shimazu family. Even if he isn't anymore.

Yasuharu lunges forward and wraps his arms around his friend, burying his face against his neck and willing himself to cry false tears.

"I was worried, you idiot! Passing out like that..."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry...please stop crying! Yasuharu!"

* * *

[1] Kagetsu's eating problem is a direct reference to Osamu Dazai's _No Longer Human/Ningen Shikkaku/Disqualified as a Human Being._

[2] Kyo is one of the old names of the former capital, Kyoto. This incident Kagetsu is dreaming about is the Kinmon Incident, a rebellion against the Tokugawa shogunate by the Choshu clan. During their assault on the Imperial Palace, parts of Kyoto got set on fire.


End file.
